I am exhausted.
Woke up at 4am and started washing down doors, sinks and bathroom floor. Listened to BBC world. Iraq is close to civil war after an attack on a shia tomb or something. 40 million pounds were stolen in what is one of UK's biggest bank robbery. ...and the news goes on. We are today afraid of terrorists, bird flu, cancer, AIDS, drug addiction, depressions, allergies by the dozen, not having the looks, not being good enough, finding that we would just love to fall out of the rat race...

He is making me aware of my ratty side.
It's a good thing. He tells me when I am growling, hollering, snapping. He is making me aware of the traces of maliciousness that are there on the tongue. I appreciate it, in my new found journey of the self. I need that.

I rob myself of the pleasure of life, cause half the time is spent feeling guilty about how I treat the people I love most in the world. But there must be a pay off or I wouldn't do it? I have asked myself this question a hundred times and honest to God its just a moment of combustion (literally)...I get it out instead of allowing it to simmer inside me. The ragged ends of a dirty home, or crowded hallway, full of us, who are dressing in winter clothes and a baby crying at my feet and a little boy of 7 who can't find his gloves...and then I want out and away and then I holler and we are all out, shuffling down the stairs with ice skates and rucksacks and baby blankets and don't forget his pack lunch...oh god the car keys...

Back home after delivering them to the designated workplaces and schools, I pick up the newspaper, the glasses and plates, wipe down the table and put out my books...

The people I love most, and ploughing through the medicine books because of them..It's worth it. Every bit of it, minus the hollering.

ps its nice to blog again.

Now back to the blog.


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